The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
