Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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