its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
