I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
