I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
