That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
