I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
