dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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