I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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