I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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