so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
