I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
