I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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