My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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