your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
