Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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