I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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