so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
