90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Slut skills are useful in every country.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
