Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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