Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
