It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
