Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
