I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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