I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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