On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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