So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
