Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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