I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
