Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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