i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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