I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
