i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
