I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
