I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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