party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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