somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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