Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
