Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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