You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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