Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
