The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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