no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
