i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
