i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
When did angry sex become our thing?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
