Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
