we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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