We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I need to stop coming to work sober
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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