youre lurking in front of me
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
