opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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